Father’s Day
In honor of Father’s Day, I thought I’d share the speech I gave at my dad’s celebration of life.
Dad and I used to talk all the time, although nearly all the conversations I did 75% of the talking and he listened. I started talking his ear off the minute I could string words into a sentence. In our home videos, 5 year old Allison waits in anticipation for him to ask her a question only to ramble for as long as he’d let her. He’d turn the lens to Lukas, but not before I could say a couple more paragraphs.
In my pre teen and teen years, we spent a lot of time in the pick up on the way to all my different activities. We’d talk about everything and anything, no topics were off limits, for me. He’d listen to anything I had to say. One car ride, I shared my great internal conflict: should I still believe in Santa? I said, “Other kids are saying he doesn’t exist and maybe he doesn’t, but maybe santa isn’t really a person, maybe he’s an idea. I don’t want to be made fun of for believing in the magic of santa. I don’t know what to believe.” he said, “well what feels true to you?” These moments are where he taught me to trust myself, think for myself, make my own decisions, and believe in myself.
In my 20s, nothing changed. His, “can I ask you a “quick” question?” turned into an hour or two conversation. We looked at the world through a similar lens and that often made us sounding boards for each other. We’d bounce ideas off each other which helped us figure out solutions to our individual life dilemmas. Our struggles existing as a human in the world were similar in a lot of ways and talking about them with him made me feel sane. During our last long talk, I told him our talks were what I’d miss most.
Dad was always there, for everything. Dress rehearsals, when we left the house at 6 am and got home at 9pm.. Recitals, parent watch days, choir concerts, marathons, graduations, ER visits, and he visited every city I lived in [except Lafayette. LA] . He was curious about who his daughter was and he wanted to know me. He made me feel that I was enough just the way I am.
Our home wasn’t perfect, but in it we learned acceptance, hope, respect, responsibility, self sufficiency, love, problem solving, and self efficacy. As a team, my parents cultivated creativity and imagination in me. They saw my interests, strengths and did their very best to nourish them.
I’ve heard life is special and it’s important to live in the moment, now I know why. Although I know I’ll see my dad again, we only had 28 years as Allison and Gary, that’ll never happen again, that’s pretty special. He was a critical part of the foundation of our strong home and he made sure that the home he helped build would endure after he left. I used to feel that he left me behind, now I know he’s just out ahead paving the way for the rest of us if we choose to follow where he went when our time comes. On our last walk together he said, “it’s hard to leave a good thing.” I know it was hard for him to let go, too.
It’s tough not to think about the memories we could have made if he were alive longer. But, now rather than dwell on what ifs, I know the importance of focusing on today because there might not be a tomorrow.
In closing, I’ll share just a few of the many pieces of wisdom my dad left me with:
“You always have the tools with you to solve any problem or dilemma at any time, you just have to relax and look for them.”
“You can only make the best decision you can with the information you have at the time”
“Always make sure you can support yourself without being dependent on anyone else”
“It’s important to be fair, just, and kind”
“Have fun. Be Happy. Keep it Light.
“Look both ways twice before you cross the road”
