Pregnancy Isn’t Always Rainbows and Butterflies
I was mad while I was pregnant. Nobody warned me about how hard it was going to be. The trope shoved down my throat as a girl and young woman was that pregnant women are absolutely BLISSED OUT for 9 months. They are absolutely emphatic about a human growing in their body and it’s impossible they could ever have any complaints. You know what? Pregnancy was hell. A hell I was willing to walk through if it meant a little babe on the other side..While pregnant, I could barely drink water. I couldn’t eat the foods I enjoyed, or exercise in a way that made my mind and body feel strong. I was exhausted yet I couldn’t sleep, my clothes didn’t fit, and I was swollen. I was a real life pillsbury dough-boy. I even went blind from the nausea medication the ER PA gave me…it was NOT a good time.
A human growing inside me? Are you kidding? That’s freaky as hell. Not to mention that my body became completely unrecognizable in every way. I was used to existing in a body with a certain rhythm, hormone cycle, hunger/fullness pattern, sleep preferences, energy levels…I know my body well. I’m well attuned to how she functions and what she prefers. Suddenly, one day I’m pregnant and all that gets thrown out the window in one fell swoop. Maybe some women get a warning. Either they have sisters, cousins, who’ve gone before them, or someone along the way may have taught them a thing or two about growing a human. I did lots of research about pregnancy before getting pregnant. I tried to learn about what to expect, how to cope with the changes, but no amount of research could have prepared me for the real life experience.
Losing our baby was absolutely the worst thing that’s happened to me. I was devastated to lose our little one. The little one I’d been praying about, asking for, talking to, loving, creating, giving up my life for…obviously. It’s nearly February 2025, in a couple of weeks it will be four months post surgery. I feel no shame in saying I’m ecstatic to feel good in my body again. She feels familiar, energetic, and athletic again.
I went through it for my baby and I’d do it again, but I had to find a ray of light in my life when we learned about the demise of our baby and our plans. Throughout the process of our loss, people said, “you can always try again,” and I thought, “oh great, thanks yeah I didn’t realize that. F*** you.” The idea of “trying again” was not the ray of light I needed. I didn’t want to try again, I wanted to finish this pregnancy and have a healthy baby boy at the end. I wanted to meet the baby boy that I’d been developing a love for and relationship with. The baby boy that I’d given up my life for. Instead, the brightness I found was, “well at least I’ll feel good in my body again,” and “at least every moment of my existence won’t feel like sheer hell.” There was absolutely nothing I could do to change the circumstances of our pregnancy, I had to find radical acceptance. In the midst of physical and emotional pain, grieving, sadness, and anger, I looked for any ray of light I could grasp.
I hold the ideas of, “all things must balance”, “ yin & yang,” “there are two sides to every coin,” “life is a paradox,” close to my heart. These idioms are a way to describe the whole picture of life. Along with life comes the eventual death. When one loves, they risk the pain of loss. The existence of yin gives rise to yang because the day can’t exist without night. The picture must be complete for all to be in harmony. I was in an eternal night and I did what I could to find the day because I knew I couldn’t stay in the darkness forever. Now, I’m sad for the idea of what was and what could have been. I also have gratitude for what is and hopeful for what could be. All things must balance…eventually.
